The last couple of weeks have been craaaazy and I should’ve expected it after my last post. How dare I have the audacity to call out The Producer and suggest that he had lost all control and I just wanted to create?
HA…I don’t think he liked that very much because now, it appears as if he’s trying to teach me a lesson.
Here’s the situation: Financially, we ended last year on a good note, I even had over a month worth of bills paid in advance. Even so, I knew it would be important to start some new projects as early as possible in January to stay ahead of the curve. We had some big projects with even bigger clients on the horizon. They were supposed to begin shortly after the holidays but none of them had culminated as of yet.
It’s now the middle of February and the flow in my cashflow has reduced itself to a slow drip as those would-be projects stand waiting in the wings. And the safety cash stash that I’ve reserved for times such as this? It’s now been depleted, so naturally the desire to produce is hovering in my midst. He’s whispering things like, “If you had spent the last couple of weeks pounding the virtual pavement to find new leads rather than creating, you probably wouldn’t be in this situation.” “And maybe if you hadn’t invested so much of your time, energy and resources into this idea, you’d have more money.”
Voices Blast Like Trumpeting Elephants
The thoughts steadily increase in frequency and they’re getting louder. “Here!” he says, “Why not take this?” He tries to tempt me with a chance to make some quick cash with a less than ideal project. The thoughts persist; their voices hit a fever pitch as they blast through my eardrums like trumpeting elephants. Negative thought after negative thought try to bombard me and induce panic. I could almost see my elephant preparing to squat right over my head; the shadow of his butt darkening my presence and then…I remember.
I remember all the times, I let emotions and thoughts like these stop me from dreaming. I remember how excited I was and intense with passion when I finally let it all go and started creating. I remember how it felt to write that first post, express my pure thoughts, be vulnerable, transparent…open.
I remember the love affair I have with The Creator…so I write. And as I write I remember that I have control and I choose to dream for I am a dreamer…I don’t need ideal circumstances to convince me that I have permission...
I am…therefore I dream!
And if the price of this pure bliss means that I may temporarily face the occasional financial trickle…I’d rather endure that, than have not loved at all.